The Relationship Talk – Avoid Labels and Commitments

Handle the relationship talk like a pro

Alright – you’ve got a big one on the line.  Beautiful, smart, and fun.  You met her a few weeks ago, you got her number, and you’ve been out together a few times.  You were able to close the deal and sleep with her.  Now comes the time for that dreaded next step – the relationship talk.

Maybe you’ve already slept together a few times, or maybe this one took a lot of work.  Maybe she’s telling you that she hates labels and she doesn’t want a boyfriend.  Who knows.  But one thing that is certain is that it is coming.  Sooner or later, the relationship talk will take place.

And you should be ready for it.

Don’t just wing it at this important step in the game.  You should decide how you’re going to handle this ahead of time.  Make a plan, and stick to it.

What “The Relationship Talk” is Really About

To make the best decision for yourself, you need to understand what the relationship talk is really all about.

For her, the question is something like, “Does he really care about me?”  That’s it.  She wants to make sure that you’re not just using her, and she’s not just wasting her time.

You need to answer that question, and I think you should answer it honestly.  But if you play your cards right, you can keep things moving in the direction you want them to, regardless of what your honest answer is.  There’s an art to this.  If you want to, you can keep the hot sex coming without getting tied down.

Why The Relationship Talk Matters

Anytime you find yourself sitting across from a girl who is asking, “What is this?” you should give yourself a big pat on the back.  You’re doing great.  You have captured her interest and her attention.  If she is asking this question out loud, it is because she wants it to become more.  She wants to take things to the next level.

So, don’t panic.  Sit back, relax, and have a little celebration for yourself.  You’re a player!

But what you say does matter.  She has opened herself up to you physically and emotionally, and now she’s seeking a verbal confirmation from you that your intentions are good.

Her opinion of you is about to change – based on how you respond to this conversation.  She’s either going to see you as being desperate, perfect, or a big jerk.  It’s up to you.  Like I already said, I think you should be honest at this point in the relationship.  But you can be honest and choose your own fate.

The Best Answer to “What is This?” is the Truth

If you roll over on this one, you will quickly find yourself “tied down.”  What’s on the line here is your free time, your friendships, and your freedom to pursue other women.  So, it’s kind of a big deal.

Does the idea of getting “tied down” to this particular woman sounds wonderful to you?  Then why fight it?  If you are truly that impressed by this one girl – don’t risk losing her by playing games.

Are you 100% sure that you do not want to get tied down?  You need to be perfectly clear with her about that.

Chances are, you fall somewhere in between those two extremes.  And, honestly, that’s the best place to be.  But, again, you have to communicate this clearly so that she understands where you’re coming from.

Master the relationship talk

Choosing the Right Words for the Relationship Talk

If you’re sold on this girl, let her know.  But choose your words.  If you act like you’re head-over-heals, you risk losing a lot of your personal appeal.  See my article about scarcity.  You need to keep your scarcity alive.  To do this, attach conditions to your acceptance of the relationship.

Let her know that you have standing appointments with your friends, and you intend to keep them.  Let her know that you work late some days, and you intend to keep doing that.  It doesn’t matter what your conditions are – what matters is that you have them.  She will be happy that you’re willing to let go of your single status, but she’ll also see that you have a spine and you’re not just putty in her hands.

If you’re certain that you don’t want to be tied down by this girl – say so.  Say it loud and clear.  “I don’t want to be tied down.”  She will respect your honesty and your resolve.  If you’ve built up her attraction to you and demonstrated your value, chances are she won’t be finished with you yet.  Although, she will probably be disappointed – and maybe even angry.

To make this awkward conversation go as smoothly as possible, be genuine but also console her a bit.  Remember, her real question is “Does he really care about me?”  If you tell her no, but show her that you do care about her – there’s a fair chance that she’ll pick up the phone or text you back if you want to get together with her again.

Mastering the Relationship Talk

Let’s assume that you like the girl and you want to keep seeing her.  But you also want to keep your options open.  This is easy to do, and there are three secrets that will get you there.  The first key is the words you choose.  The second key is the way you deliver them. The third is to make her feel like this talk doesn’t matter at all.

  • Your Delivery – Smile.  Lean in.  Be positive.  Be emotional.  Touch her.  Remember her real question is “Does he really care about me?”  Your body language should make it abundantly clear that the answer is “Yes.”  Regardless of the words that come out of your mouth.
  • Your Words – Positive, positive, positive.  Use positive words to tell her “no.”  Start with something like, “You’re beautiful, you’re fun, and I love spending time with you.”  Let her know, “I always look forward to seeing you.”  Scatter positive messages throughout the conversation.
  • Minimize the Relationship Talk – Make it clear that you think this talk doesn’t matter at all.  Say something like, “We can say anything to each other, but what really matters is what we do.”  Or, “We can say anything to each other today, but what we do tomorrow is what really matters.”  Better yet, “We have such a great time when we’re together.  Our relationship should be defined by those great times.  Not by one random conversation where we start labeling things.”  Make her feel like you care and you are interested in more.  But let her know that you think this talk doesn’t matter at all.

If you can project “yes,” without saying “yes,” you will have mastered the relationship talk.

More Advice About Attraction and Dating:

Moving Past the Relationship Talk

What you do next is super important.  And there are two specific things you should try to do.

The first thing is to cancel or decline an upcoming date.  I know it sounds like a dick move, but you have basically just made a concession by agreeing to move forward after she started pressing you for an exclusive commitment.  You should re-establish your independence, and you don’t need to feel bad about that.  Be genuine and thoughtful, but remind her that you are still your own man.

The second thing you should try to do is give her a taste of what she is really after.  Does she have a friend who is in a happy, exclusive relationship?  A friend who has the “perfect” boyfriend?  If so, find out about a date or experience that her friend recently did with her boyfriend – and take your girl to do the same thing.  It can be as simple as going to see a movie that her friend saw.  Or going to a new restaurant that Mr. Perfect took her friend to.  She wants to feel the security that her friend with the “perfect” boyfriend feels.  Let her know that she can feel that way with you, even though your relationship isn’t labeled as exclusive or committed.

You can do these two things in one simple step.  “Hey, I’m sorry but I can’t make it to that party on Saturday.  What do you think about going to try that new restaurant on Sunday instead?”

Matthew Clark

Matt Clark loves football, live music, and the beautiful girls of Austin, TX. After spending a decade of his life in a tiny gray cubicle, he set out on his own as an entrepreneur and a marketing consultant. These days he can be found out and about, working in whichever coffee shop or courtyard catches his eye. Some of his favorite spots are Jo's, Caffe Medici, and Strange Brew.